Artemis Fowl The Mary Sue
by MercuryRemedy
Summary: A creature unlike any other Artemis Fowl has ever seen has broken into the masion and is slithering towards him as we speak. What will he do? (Implied Death, but no one's crying.)


Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl and/or any other characters in that little universe. The results would be catastrophic if I did.  
  
Author's note: I'd just like to make it clear that I do not have blond hair. I'd also like to make it clear that the inspiration for this story can be found at http://www.livejournal.com/users/irishboygenius/2386.html and the tomatoes and the garden part was ripped off completely and whole from the movie The Last Supper. Which I have never seen.   
  
---  
  
"Hello Artemis," a cool, calm voice said. Artemis turned around so quickly in his chair that he nearly fell over. A young woman, possibly his age was standing in the doorway. She was dressed in a black leather jumpsuit that showed the curves of her body gracefully. Her long, strawberry blonde hair hung down mid way down her back and her emerald eyes sparkled. Artemis Fowl, genius, criminal and mastermind, could not help but stare. This girl was beautiful, in every way.   
  
"C-c-can I help you?" he stuttered, absence of brain painfully noticeable.   
  
The girl smiled. "No," she purred."But I can help you." She walked towards him slowly, hips swaying from side to side.   
  
Call Butler, Artemis' head told him firmly. Butler will dispose of her.   
  
But why dispose of such a pretty thing? Artemis asked his head. It is such a pretty thing.   
  
CALL BUTLER!  
  
"My name is Vana Callista Mary Caranova Loire Sue," she said with a faint hiss. "My IQ is indefinite. Over 400 at the very least. I am 14 years old. My friend's call me Mary Sue."   
  
"Oh," managed Artemis. "My friend's call me Artemis."   
  
"I know," Mary Sue stopped. "You haven't got any friend's."  
  
"Yes I do!" snapped Artemis before pausing suddenly. "Wait- how did you know all that about me?"   
  
"I know everything about you." Mary Sue laughed, a voice that made his insides lurch. "I know your mother's and your father's name, the names of their parents and the schools they went to. I know how many times they've had sex and your involvement with The People."  
  
"THE PEOPLE?" cried Artemis. "How could you know about The People?"  
  
"I have an IQ of over 400. I can hack into anything in the world. Your house was easy."   
  
"I doubt it. I built the security system," Artemis said marveling at the odds of Mary Sue breaking in the same day the garbage man came. Mary Sue laughed again.  
  
"It was almost too easy, Arty. But I have a confession to make. I'm in love with you Artemis, ever since I stole your file from Interpol. Artemis- can I kiss you?"   
  
"If I can kiss you," he whispered., cheeks on fire.   
  
Mary Sue leaned in and brushed her lips against his. She put her hands on his chest and ripped his shirt open. "I want you," she mumbled, as her kisses got more and more frantic. "I want you so bad it hurts." She kissed him again, hands tracing Artemis's pale, pink flesh. "I want you," she repeated and started sucking on his neck like a leech.  
  
"Artemis, someone has gotten past your security system and broken into the house- ARTEMIS?!"  
  
Butler vaulted into the room and pulled Mary Sue off of Artemis and threw her to the floor. She hopped up again as if she made of rubber. "Don't fight me, old man," she said, with a wild, crazed look to her eyes. "I'm a black belt in every type of self protection there is."  
  
Butler grabbed one of her stick thin arms. "Fighting," he said. "Who said anything about fighting?" He grabbed her other arm and escorted her out of the room. She screamed and kicked but Butler hardly felt her. He was, after all, Butler. Artemis leapt out of his seat and followed Butler as he pulled Mary Sue down the steps, rubbing his neck as he went. That experience was rather painful.   
  
"Dispose of her," he said, jogging along with Butler, "In the garden. Near the tomatoes. They could use some fertilizer. I shall be in the lab, constructing an entirely new security system. This one, I assure you, will be unbreakable."  
  
"They always have been," Butler assured Artemis. "Would you like me to call the tailor who made your shirt."  
  
Artemis looked down at his shirt and sighed. "Ah, yes," he said with a hint of a blush on his normally pale cheeks. "I should like this one fixed- I am rather fond of it."   
  
"Fond of it now!" screeched Mary Sue. "Artemis- Artemis! Where are you going! Artemis!"  
  
Artemis walked up the stairs as dignified as usual. Mary Sue screamed after him. "Artemis!" she cried."Artemis, what is he going to do to me?"   
  
Artemis did not answer. Some parts of Butler's job were just too gory to mention. 


End file.
